Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet,
Biscuit the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had – an elephant? So since I’m retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because
I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is
to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works
well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter’s
behind and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.

An old man sat outside the walls of a great city. When travelers approached, they would ask the old man, “What kind of people live in this city?” The old man would answer, “What kind of people live in the place where you came from?” If the travelers answered, “Only bad people live in the place where we came from,” the old man would reply, “Continue on; you will find only bad people here.”

But if the travelers answered, “Good people live in the place where we came from,” then the old man would say, “Enter, for here too, you will find only good people.”

A Yiddish Folk Tale
Source Unknown

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one; a reassurance for those of us who fly
routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ‘ pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order..
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
Descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one! )
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget……..

HOPE THESE GAVE YOU A GOOD LAUGH !